The loss of a child is a rare, unnatural event that will leave parents who are left behind with an overwhelming multitude of emotions. While it is a common belief that shared adversity helps couples grow closer together, this is not always the case after experience the loss of a loved one, especially a child. It is important that regardless of the specific circumstances of the loss, both spouses try to be supportive and understanding of one another's grieving process.

Table of contents

• Grieving As A Couple
• Decide to Stay Together
• Find Little Ways to Remember
• Avoid Common Mistakes

1. Don't Look at the Funeral As The End
2. Outward Emotions Aren't the Same As Internal Feelings
3. It Is Not Your Duty To Grieve
4. Past History Can Effect The Grief Process
5. Some Relationships Struggle and Some Relationships Don't
6. Be Each Other's Strength
7. Things Will Change
8. Don't Try To Do It Alone

Grieving As A Couple

It is a common misconception that grieving as a married person will be easier than grieving as a single person. It would be more accurate to consider grieving as a married person to be different than grieving as a single person. While it is true that two people in a marriage will often have a bond where they expect to rely on one another, tragic events like the loss of a child will impact the way that a married couple interacts with each other. It is important to remember that people who are experiencing grief can tend to self-isolate and focus more deeply on their emotions than on their surroundings. If one spouse is falling into this pattern, their behavior may seem distant and apathetic to the other spouse. If your spouse is exhibiting these types of behavior patterns, it's important to give them the time and space they need to grieve in their own way. Although you are grieving the same loss, you need to remember that each person's journey through grief will be different.

Decide to Stay Together

After a significant loss it is important to have a discussion as couple about the future. It is reasonable to expect that the loss of a child can change a person at a very core level. Have an honest discussion with each other about whether both spouses are committed to staying together. The following weeks, months, and years will be filled with challenges that are unique to couple's who have been subjected to this type of loss. If you decide to stay together, it is important to discuss each other's new needs going forward and be committed to acting as a support system for each other.

Find Little Ways to Remember

Even after your child has been gone for a number of years, it is likely that their memory will still be ever present in your heart. Some couples can find it helpful to share happy memories of the whole family from the past. Perhaps you would like to visit their grave site with flowers on their birthday. It could also be something to do as a part of daily life, like remembering them when seeing a certain animal, or picking out a piece of memorial jewelry to wear a couple times a week.

Avoid Common Mistakes

Preserving your relationship after the loss of a child will take time, effort, and commitment. It is important to work together to avoid falling into unhealthy patterns like bickering and blaming. Below are some common pointers for how to move forward in your relationship as long as both spouses are committed to work together other in good faith with a spirit of forgiveness and understanding.

1. Don't Look at the Funeral As The End

After everything is finished with the funeral etc. things begin to quiet down. This is often when people will begin to feel a surge of emotions after the initial adrenaline rush that comes with the business of preparing for the funeral arrangements and plentitude of small tasks that must be taken care of by family members, especially when a written will has not been left by the one who has passed.

2. Outward Emotions Aren't the Same As Internal Feelings

Everyone grieves at their own pace, which will inevitably lead to you and your spouse being in different emotional from each other. When one spouse is feeling relatively well and the other spouse is feeling particularly down, a lack of understanding could lead to pent up resentment. While the spouse who is feeling better that day might blame the other for approaching things with an unnecessarily negative outlook, the spouse who is feeling down might create an image that the other is taking the loss of their child too lightly. Give each other space to feel the myriad of emotions that will come with a return to daily life at an individual level, and remember that the emotions your spouse feels, positive of negative, do not mean that they loved you or your child any less.

3. It Is Not Your Duty To Grieve

It is common after a significant loss or trauma that it is your duty to feel bad for a prolonged period of time afterwards. Remember that the person who has gone ahead wouldn't want you to be sad for too long; it isn't proving that you love them more if you force yourself to feel negative emotions. The process of grief and the negative emotions that come along with it are a normal human response, but you are not obligated to feel any particular way. The best way to honor the ones who have gone ahead, is to focus on healing for ourselves and for those that are close to us.

4. Past History Can Affect The Grief Process

Sometimes after a significant loss, couples can have a tendency to fall into old unhealthy habits. Perhaps there are some unresolved conflicts from your past. In some cases, these old conflicts may have been stopped in an effort for the sake of the child. In these cases, it is important to revisit the foundation of your relationship. As mentioned above, having a conversation about whether you will stay together going forward is an important step towards a solid foundation for the future. Try to approach these old wounds with a mentality of working together in good faith with a spirit of forgiveness and mutual understanding.

5. Some Relationships Struggle and Some Relationships Don't

Just like how each individual's experience of grief will be unique, each couple's joined experience of grief will also be unique. For some couples, the loss of a child may put serious strains on their marriage while for other couples there may never be any serious difficulties that arise. Regardless of your unique experience, try not to compare with other couples in a way that creates an implied benchmark for your own relationship.

6. Be Each Other's Strength

While it may be one of the most frustrating parts of the grief process for couples, the differences of each spouse's grief experience can position you well to help each other in places of emotional or functional deficit. It would not be abnormal for one of you to see certain seemingly small tasks as insurmountable, like deciding what to do with your child's room and belongings, or picking songs for the funeral service. As much as possible, try to be attentive to your partner's needs and try to step in for each other during times when the other is struggling. Even a small act of service can have the possibility to lift a huge weight off of your partner.

Memorial jewelry to keep those memories of your departed close to your heart forever.

7. Things Will Change

Don't expect that eventually after an indefinite amount of time, things will return to "normal". Losing a child will permanently change you, your marriage, and your family for the rest of your life. These differences may feel especially potent during the holidays or other special occasions that can serve as a new reminder that there is a family member is missing. Remember that part of your new normal might include little ways to hold those memories of your departed close to your heart. We recommend that you have a discussion with your partner about little traditions to keep your child present in your lives.

8. Don't Try To Do It Alone

Many people who are experience grief after the loss of a family member will have a tendency to self-isolate. Try to be respectful of each other's need for space, but also try to set times to check in and discuss. While one spouse may feel the desire to be alone, the other may be seeking comfort through conversation. Remember that you and your spouse are a team, which means you don't have to go through this alone.